Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Crack Bark That Changed Everything

I have problems. A whole host of them. But lately, my biggest problem is this:


Salted Caramel Chocolate Pretzel Bark.

Or maybe it's Salted Chocolate Pretzel Caramel Bark?

Pretzel Chocolate Caramel Salted Bark?

(I've got all night here, people.)

All that really matters is that it is pure genius.



Get. The. Heck. In. My. Belly.

It sticks in my teeth and I don't even even mind. I like it.

It's a real, real problem, because, for example, yesterday I started getting a stomachache and I still couldn't quit the crack bark.


But here's where the real danger lies:
5 ingredients:
Butter (crap, I always have a box of butter in the freezer box)
Brown Sugar (It lives on my counter. I like it when it clumps up because then it becomes my personal service to eradicate the clumps, if you know what I mean.)
Mini Pretzels (A dolla! Holla.)
Chocolate Chips (A staple of Modern Day Motherhood)
Salt (Does a zebra have stripes?)

It dawned on me that the bark isn't necessarily Christmas candy. There's nary a trace of peppermint. Not a sprinkle to be found. You could probably technically cut it into the shape of a bell or an angel, but I don't want to hear about it if you do.

What it is is All Year Trouble.

I wonder if I'll still have my molars come next year.

Does anyone have the number for Lindsay Lohan's dentist?


Crack Bark
Line a 4-sided jelly roll pan with foil. Cover with a single layer of pretzels. Melt two sticks of butter in a small saucepan. Add one cup brown sugar and stir together. Boil just a little and keep stirring until it gets darker. *You want to let it cook just to the point that you think you may have ruined everything. That's when the caramelly, sticky magic happens. Pour over pretzels. Bake at 350 for 5ish minutes. Remove from oven and immediately throw your chips on. The heat will melt them, then scrape your rubber spatula over them to spread them around. Sprinkle liberally and generously and graciously and lovingly with sea salt. Cool a bit on the counter. Then pop into the freezer for an hour or until you remember it's in there. Break apart into bite sized (aka fist-sized) pieces. Fall asleep with salty lips. Wake up with bark mouth.

73 comments:

  1. I wish you hadn't gone there.

    Thanksalotcrackbarkhead.

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I sit here typing molarless from a peanut butter cookie. Be ye warned by my presence. This is the very Crark that the BoyChild has requested that I make for Christmas. Law. What we do for love. Be ye warned Shanny - it is Crarck - and it has molar destroying potential!

    ReplyDelete
  3. my mother in law makes it, and you're right.....it's crack bark.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This sounds amazing!! Thank goodness I have decided to draw the line already with sweets, otherwise I would be in deep trouble!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm gonna try to pretend I never saw this post!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ohhhh... I maybe coulda been okay if I never ever heard about this... but now that I have... stand back!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I made it from Pinterest too... and it is SO crack!

    ReplyDelete
  8. The only crack hits I'm taking this season are the ones from your post cracking me up. Bark mouth ~ *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Love it!! Where do the pretzels fit in in your recipe?

    XO,
    Jane

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are evil. And I mean that in a friendly Christmasy way.
    Dana

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh gurl. No you didn't. How am I supposed to fit in my Old Navy clothes now???

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lindsay Lohans dentist. You crack me up! :) I'm definitely trying this recipe. Yum! Maria~

    ReplyDelete
  13. That sounds awesome ... I'm making it this week!

    ReplyDelete
  14. The recipe seems to be missing a step or 2. Do you put the pretzels on the aluminum foiled cookie sheet and then pour the butter/sugar mixture over them before placing in the oven?

    ReplyDelete
  15. bring on the stomachache!!!! totally trying these. tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous: Yes! I was missing key steps. Thanks for the head's up!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, have I got some clumpy brown sugar for you, little missy.
    Bane of my existence, it is.
    p.s. I think I'm coming down with a raging case of lung cancer. It came on right after I started hanging out with Don and Betty.

    ReplyDelete
  18. pinning this, making this, and anticipating a tummy ache

    ReplyDelete
  19. I knew I shouldn't have come here...

    ReplyDelete
  20. Those sound like they may cost me 20 pounds. Not good. They look altogether delightful though.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yum-diddly-um! Sweet & salty- I am all over that these days! And have you ever used broken candy canes on the top? Oh so good and I'm not even a candy-cane kinda girl.
    Happy Sunday m'dear!

    ReplyDelete
  22. i'm a-giggling about lohan (which is a minor miracle in itself, because we are having a Hard Morning).

    love you to bits, molars optional.

    ReplyDelete
  23. oh mylanta! i just blogged about a ridiculous to-do list. this MUST be added.

    ReplyDelete
  24. there you go again...you just seem to make my day GIRLFRIEND.....well you might be my girlfriend...I grin when i think about you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh, yum! I just made this. Heavenly. I'm sure this is what manna tasted like. ;-)
    ~FringeGirl

    ReplyDelete
  26. No way. . . I stole, I mean pinned this recipe off of you on pinterest and was going to make some today. Or tomorrow. But it looks even more delicious so maybe today. My HOPE is to give it as gifts, but maybe it'll be a gift to me? We'll see!
    -Shannon

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm happy that I discovered your blog but in another way I wish I hadn't seen this post. Yummy...oh, dear I don't think I stand a chance.

    ReplyDelete
  28. just what i don't need...that is dangerous stuff right there.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sounds awesome and I have everything for it in my pantry RIGHT NOW. I'll be joining you on the bark side soon!

    ReplyDelete
  30. you know the name's versatile when i couldnt decide what order to put it in in my computer...lol!

    ReplyDelete
  31. yep. ate enough of this stuff to make myself physically ill today.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh, my gosh...when you finish the current book, can you write a cookbook, please? I'd die laughing every time I tried to decide what dangerous thing to make next!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Crackin me up girl! You eat it and love every second of it! Then curse it's name when your teeth fall out. Sounds divine. Happy Holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  34. This looks amazing! My diet might be ruined, but thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Maggie called me and told me she made this. She may have been curled in a ball under the table eating it... I cannot be trusted anywhere near it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I've always wanted to serve a little crack on the Christmas dessert table, THANK YOU! ps. remember once when I said something about crack and you had to remind me that crack wasn't a good thing....HA. I wish I could remember what i said.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Um, yum! And I thought you were going to do a post on getting a dog and having carpet in your kitchen! :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thanks for the laugh-needed that more than the receipe today!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oooh, this is definitely the ultimate PMS food...sweet and salty!

    Thanks for sharing it!

    Jane

    ReplyDelete
  40. It is on my short list of what to make tomorrow. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Brown Sugar Declumping Tip: Put a piece of bread (any sandwich bread will do. I usually use the heals) in the bag of brown sugar. The bread will absorb all the moisture and will turn hard as your sugar turns soft. Seriously works.

    As for the bark: My hips hate you! (oh and I make this with a matzo bottom over Passover. SO GOOD!)

    ReplyDelete
  42. That is some seriously dangerous stuff. I have already made 2 batches. I am NOT making another one. Nor am I getting on a scale.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Okay.....So I couldn't get this crack stuff out of my head until I got it made last night! It was soooo up my alley!!! Yes, I too ended up with a stomach ache and I am not complaining one bit!

    Thanks for sharing :) I probably won't be sharing any of this batch!

    Erin

    ReplyDelete
  44. oh I love you and I can't decide if I should make that now or go hide my computer :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. I've loved your last few posts! You crack me up with your hilarious side-comments. Thank you for some chuckles this morning!

    I'm definitely going to do the bark - the ingredients are on my list NOW, and I've pinned your recipe for others to enjoy.

    Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Tomorrow is baking day & this is definitely on my list. Can hardly wait to taste it.

    Diane J./Ohio

    ReplyDelete
  47. I made this tonight and it is the best thing I have ever made. And it was SO easy to do. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I've been close to a sugar coma this whole month. This will surely take me over the edge into oblivion.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I just found your blog from a link from Susan B. Anderson on Facebook! thanks for this recipe and I love your Christmas posts. :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Made this today! Oh, my!!! This is so WONDERFUL!!! Thanks so much for sharing this recipe. MERRY CHRISTMAS

    Diane J./Ohio

    ReplyDelete
  51. Did you HAVE to supply us with so many pics? Too tempting!

    ReplyDelete
  52. You and Susan Anderson are 2 peas in a pod when it comes to excitement!! Happy holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Just made this and used maldon salt flakes on it - OMG!

    ReplyDelete
  54. I made it this morning for a birthday potluck at work. I usually bring the healthy stuff, but no one complained. Well, they did complain, but just because it was too good, lol! Thanks so much for this recipe, I found it on Pinterest.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Sometimes you get on such a roll. What a riot.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Ok, This is a late comment, but, I'm making this right now, in the dead of summer, in the middle of the day. I just have to! Found this on Pinterest, and had. to. make. it. now.
    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Would dark chocolate ruin this recipe?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If by "ruin" you mean make it even more deadly, then yes, it will ruin it.

      :)

      #savesomeforme

      Delete
  58. OMG! If I had pretzels of the appropriate size and shape I would make this right now! And become an addict. Just like you!
    Can. Not. Wait.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I've made crack toffee before, and I'm loving the pretzel idea instead of the cracker... I'll have to try this out!

    ReplyDelete
  60. Oh my. I just made this for a party tomorrow and now I'll have to make another batch because this one is almost gone. Yeesh. Sooo delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Oh, I just made it, and it is all true, what you say here...

    ReplyDelete
  62. I feel an overwhelming urge to make a second batch and sprinkle crumbled bacon over the top instead of sea salt. Anyone dare me?

    ReplyDelete
  63. unexpectedly found baby pretzels in a supermarket here in kenya...first thing i thought??? now i can finally see what all this crack bark is all about. forever hooked, along with the entire nation of kenya (or everyone who has come over and tried it). congrats. winning nations for crack bark-- what life is all about.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Looks amazing! Do you use salted or unsalted butter in this? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete

More to Read

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

ShareThis