Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Geraldine



The creepy babies are back.

I've missed 'em.



Every year I sit in wonder over who came up with this jacked up wreath. I think her name might have been Geraldine. Geri, for short. She smokes Slims. She thinks about God in that far-off sort of way. She mostly refers to him as "The Good Lord Above". She favors elastic waistband slacks and sweatshirts which she's embroidered with kittens and bunnies, because who wouldn't think kittens are cute? She plays pinochle with the girls and works at a grocery store that still has the cash registers with the buttons that you push. Her boyfriend's name is Stan, but don't tell her I told you, because she always says, "I'm too old for a boyfriend! He's just Stan. He helps me fix things and eats my left-overs." (Whatever, Geri.)

I've considered the possibility that Geri believed she was creating something truly beautiful with this wreath, that she might have thought the wonky-eyed cherubs were the perfect, charming touch. Heck no. Geri knew that they were strange and wrong. She snickered to herself while the other ladies at the Center wrapped red yarn around Styrofoam then glued candy canes and fake poinsettia leaves around the edge. She knew no one would "get" the babies, though Margie and Joan would at least have the good sense to pretend to like them. Stan, on the other hand, he would squint his eyes real tight the first time he looked at it and walk away without a word. She knew exactly what his silence would mean.

But she stuck them on there anyway because they made her happy and because why the heck not? (Only she probably didn't say heck.)


I'm hoping she had a feeling that one day they'd fall into the hands of someone who shared a part of her silly heart and who would come to believe that Christmas would never feel quite right again without those freak babies.

For more of my Christmas hoopla, click here.

55 comments:

  1. I feel like I just got to read a small part of one of your novels, and I loved it! of course

    xox, jenny

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  2. I'm dying over here. Geraldine is killing me. LOVE HER!!!
    but really I need to know if she colors her hair.

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  3. of course she dyes her hair ostrich girl. that yucky purply color enhanced but the cigs she smokes. right FPFG?

    that's all i gotsta say about that.

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  4. That was funny, but I bet her name was Flo.

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  5. I'm happy to know I'm not the only one who comes up with elaborate stories about people and things! Love it! I may have seen Geri in Carson's when we lived in Illinois.

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  6. Is it wrong that I totally love that wreath?

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  7. This was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Loved it....love Geri.

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  8. Geraldine lives in the trailer park we own. I have seen her. She is never late with her rent. And she has plastic flowers in her pots all year round.

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  9. oh girl you are just too much. i miss you!

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  10. This is exactly why you SHOULD write a novel. This. is. funny. stuff. What a great imagination. I pictured her, and even knew exactly what she smells like... with the deep, raspy voice.

    Well done, Geri.

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  11. Thanks for making me snort.

    HI-larious!

    Due to the aging process, my memory isn't what it used to be (OR is it just always as bad as it was? there's ONE to grow on!)and I don't recall your creepy baby wreath from last year..did I miss it?

    I believe Geri also refers to airplane flights as "being in the silver underbelly of the beast."

    Had a friend in Tennessee whose grandmother referred to flying as such.

    True story.

    She also drinks Arnie Palmers spiked with cheap vodka that she pronounces "wodka"...

    Peace Out and yes...Holla!!

    xxoo

    TT

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  12. I've met her. She's a hoot! Back in my husbands tow truck driving days, he picked her & her ol' Buick up long side the road. She climbed up in the cab pulled a hanky from her purse & preceeded to wipe her brow all-the-while thanking him for hauling her into town. Then she blew her nose & "wait....honey, you got a bug on your neck." Splat. "Got 'em." But good ol' Geri being the kind, thoughtful ol' soul that she was. How could my poor husband fault her? He drove the 10 miles to town with nary a complain & the heebie jeebies scampering round his shirt collar.
    Yep...good ol' Geraldine. I'd near forgotten.

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  13. PS: I can honestly say if that wreath was under $10 and I saw it while thrifting, I would have snatched it up!

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  14. Eerily enough, Geri sounds like she could be my grandma Marge's best friend. Marge would be sitting next to Geri at their crafting session making one of her famous fishing line and tinsel christmas trees (with the lights...OOOH). Too bad she's in heaven now, I'd have her whip one up for you...and I KNOW you'd love it cause it would go with your freaky baby cherub wreath, PERFECTLY. Yep, I'm sure Geri and Marge are BFF's.

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  15. dude.
    seriously....
    everyone needs a little Geri in their life.
    she probably made that wreath in her house coat....with her cig on a looong cigarette holder with clawlike red fingernails ;)

    you rock girl for making me snort.
    when is the pre-order for your novel, eh??

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  16. This is so funny because my 85 yr. old grandma's name is Geraldine. Well really her name is Emma Geraldine but always hated the name Emma so she's always gone by the name Geraldine...Geri for short. She still lives in her wee little trailer home in a pokey little town of NE. And my Dad's name is Stan! ha ha lol

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  17. The woman we bought our house from was named Geraldine. She was born in it, in the upstairs bedroom. (I think.)

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  18. I can not even think of a comment. That was hiliarious.

    xxoo

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  19. Cracking up! I love crazy, freakish kitsch. Those babies are a trio of awful wonderfulness.

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  20. Now, this is just a wild guess, but is Geri by any chance related to Nick or Kenny or Crystal or Becky? Because it seems like she probably is. And, speaking of Becky, did she ever get bailed out of jail? And....is Kenny really a good kisser? Or did Crystal totally make that up?
    These are the questions that haunt me, Farmgirl.

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  21. Oh, my goodness! Have you been in Idaho lately? You just described my real-life Aunt Jeri. She has smoked slims since I was a kid, wears those "cute" sweatshirts, and her husbands name is Stan! So funny...

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  22. mostly i want to be geri's friend.

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  23. you. are. so. stinkin. hilarious!

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  24. Oh, I remember the creepy babies from last year! Everyone needs a little creepy in their Christmas decorations. :)

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  25. Thank you. I really needed a laugh tonight!

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  26. Yikes!!! Those babies are fahreaky scary!!!!!!!

    xo ellie

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  27. Love that wreath and your story a whole lot. Love your heart even more. Good stuff, mama.

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  28. I'm speechless. ha!
    I giggled the whole way through this. The world is a better and creepier place with Geri in it!

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  29. Geraldine is from my hometown. I totally know her.

    This post was just the best.

    :)

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  30. You have absolutely made my day. You and those freak babies totally crack me up :)

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  31. I'm so glad you have this blog and I found you. Equally happy that you're an author... because Girl, YOU ROCK! I can't decide which phrase I liked more, "she smokes Slims" or "favors elastic waistband slacks"! The visual you gave me leaves me with a silly grin on my face and happy for the first time today... and that's saying a lot. Thank you!

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  32. three cheers for witty writing!!! i.love.this.

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  33. yes. this is all real, we know her. and girl, she makes garlands, too. with freak babies in hats.

    i love you!

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  34. Oh! So that's her name! She owns my favorite antique store- we always kind of snicker at her behind our hand because she obviously has NO idea how great her selection is. Oh, wait- did I just spend $30 when I meant to just look? THAT WAS REALLY SNEAKY, GERI!

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  35. Oh my....I love your imagination! My friends and I used to make up dialogue for people we could see chatting but not hear....I so wish you had been with us, because I have a feeling I would have been laughing even harder!

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  36. "she smokes slims" is my favorite part of this whole post.

    I've been guilty of being very literal. So, when you write like this, I think there really was a woman named Geri, who smoked slims and wore elastic pants. I think she really existed.

    So, did she? Or are you so genius, that you can imagine this whole story up in your awesome brain?

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  37. So how much longer do we have to wait until a whole book of your talent will be in our hands?!?

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  38. oh me oh my. i think ger also does some stain glass work. we were at first pres church in downtown charlotte yesterday and the cloud of witnesses on stained glass looked like naked angel babies. Jesus had his hands held up to them like he was swatting the babes away like flies.

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  39. tis the season for freaky babies! i loved this:) thanks for sharing your humor in such a way that makes me think this is all a real story!

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  40. Oh my. . . that was a funny post. I can't quite get behind the Geraldine, because Geri is my pastor's wife and probably the polar opposite of your Geri, but still so funny. I love it!
    -Shannon

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  41. This here's Stan. a'course Geraldine is real. Real classy lady. Decent cook. Her green bean casserole's to die for. Her wienies and beans a'int bad. Keeps a mostly clean house ('cept the bathroom.) Her dog's plain weird. Gets a little too close for comfort under the table if ya knows what I mean. Those reeths yer talkin' 'bout - she made them for a bake sale. (She's not much of a baker.) They sold pretty good. Glad to know ya got one of 'em. I'll let Geri know.

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  42. I needed this laugh. Thank you! I think my favorite line (my hubby and I are already using it) is "whatever, Geri." You help free me up more to be funny, Farmgirl. I so love reading your wit, your truth, your authentic you.

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  43. ...i think maybe they are new year babies...getting ready to take the jump from the warmth of Christmas to the hard cold new year to come...

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  44. Love the wreath........minus the creepy babies! (post is under the name of my husband's blog, that I made for him......yes, he knows)

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  45. I read this and wonder...do you have any idea how randomly hilarious you are? This is the kind of post I don't laugh aloud over, just feel the funniness deep in my stomach.

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  46. You are nothing short of a creative writer. I wonder how many stories you create in your head before you put it to writing. You're hilarious.

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  47. ok but somehow the first time around i missed the creepy babies.... yikes! they remind me of the ones in king cakes at mardi gras.

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  48. Oh, girl, you crack me up.
    xo, Cheryl

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  49. Wow. I want to hear more about Geri! She probably crochets outfits for Barbie dolls (for her grandkids) and calls jeans "dungarees."

    Perhaps a short story about Geri in your future? Can't wait to read the novel!

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  50. <3
    I'm pretty sure Geri was friends with my mom, Angie, and her friend, Pearl.
    Geri was the one who used to smell of menthol and liked crocheting baby blankets - which also smelled like menthol.
    Geri just thought of them as being "minty fresh."
    No one would tell her differently :)

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