Sunday, March 25, 2012

I Wish I Could Say I've Been on a Tropical Vacation

I seem to have lost a bit of time, here. All I know is, it was a beautiful Friday, I was out taking a walking, blissfully drinking Dr. Pepper from a can, scheming about painting my toenails green for Paddy's day, then I blinked my eyes - a slow, groggy kind of blink - and when I opened them it was a beautiful Friday and my toenails were green. And I was very nearly dead.

I've been thinking a lot about my re-entry to the blog world. I never meant to go away, you know. But once one finds oneself "away", it's crucial that one re-enter under optimal conditions. I'm not foolish enough to believe that any one of you cares to hear more about the illness that kept me away.

So, my illness. It was one for the history books, not only for the fact that it was TWO ILLNESSES IN ONE. People, I couldn't make this stuff up.

First, I got the flu. The good, old-fashioned influenza that everyone is always a bit confused by. To clear up the confusion, I'll say this: if you ever have one of the happiest Fridays of your life and it's almost 80 degrees even though it's just mid-March, if you end up going to dinner at Wendy's just for the hay of it then watch your kids play at the park, if you breeze home in your sexy mini van, get the kids to bed and then realize that you are covered with goose bumps, and then your goose bumps get goose bumps, and then your goose bumps' grandbabies get goose bumps and you have no idea what's going on? You might be coming down with the flu.

Just go on ahead and order up your casket, because you will need it.


If, three days later, just when your symptoms are starting to subside, you fall prey to the worst stomach virus this side of the Montezuma, you'll know for sure that your luck is worse than the Devil's himself.

Three separate times I called Cory at work crying, "I think I have caaaaaaaaaancer!" I thought for sure that I was dying. And on the off-chance that I wasn't dying, I would think to myself, "Well, this is it, Shannan. You'll be spending the rest of your life in bed and your children will remember with decreasing clarity the days when you walked upright and cooked them food." 

Between the time I got sick and tonight, here are some of the things that have happened:

* Calvin turned 7. I don't want to talk about it. I rallied for a few hours on Saturday just long enough to let a dear friend throw him a proper party.  I wasted all my dinner and breathed germs on the kind souls we tried to bail me out. I stumbled home half-crying. I think I kissed Big Boy goodnight, but I can't promise.
 
*My mom drove straight through the night after a shift at the nursing home to come and take care of me for a day.

*I developed three bed sores in their earliest stage 1) right ear 2) left ear 3) right hip beneath my under-britches seam.

* I lost 10 pounds. That's what happens when you don't eat anything for almost a week. I'm trying my dangdest to find the lost pounds, but my stomach still isn't himself. Yes, my stomach is a boy. Aren't they all?

*I dreamed that Rush Limbaugh tried to assault me in public, but I thwarted his attempt by grabbing a paper out of his hands and tearing it into tiny pieces while I ran screaming off toward the horizon.

* I found my first gray hair. I don't want to talk about it. I thought it was really, really blond at first. But then it was also wiry, you know, thicker than usual. Incidentally, if I could happen upon an entire head of gray hair, I might not look half-bald. It's a trade-off I'm willing to consider.

* My 7/9 experiment ended. I'm going to keep it real: I planned to push through until Easter, make it a Lenten sort of deal. But then I wore the exact same shirt for 3 days straight and all of the  connecting nights and when the dust finally cleared I was on day 30 and it seemed like a natural stopping point. I needed a little something in my life and that "something" happened to be inky blue, 3/4 sleeved, tiny gold buttons on one shoulder, hip length. (I've worn it two days straight.)

Dear, kind giveway winners? I haven't mailed your books yet. But at least I remember that I haven't sent them, which is more than I could say five days ago.

Bear with me as I sneak back into the atmosphere. I'm on a steady diet of probiotics and Mexican food, so I should be back to 100% in no time.

Thanks for waiting. I know now that our love is real.

Very Truly,
FPFG

44 comments:

  1. I love that your Mama came and took care of you. She is a gem!

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  2. There must be nothing left of you... time to make some crack bark to get the ball rolling. So sorry about the gray hair, I know times like this are difficult. But I'm here to say its not so bad on the downhill slope : )
    Dana

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  3. Oh, Sweet One, I hope your new fourteen year streak (which has only just begun) wasn't already broken...

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  4. For realz. I almost sent you a message today that said it was time to suck it up and make a come back.

    I even considered driving up. Over. Over-up? Whatevs.

    I missed you.

    That's all.

    xxoo

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  5. Oh dear...that is every bit as tragic as I feared. I'm so very sorry for your suffering but am glad to see that your sense of humor is intact ;) I was going to drop you a line or a tweet or what-have-you to tell you I hoped you were feeling better, but that aggravated the daylights out of me when I was sick. Every time someone would say that to me I would oddly feel like a big wimp because I most certainly...did NOT feel any better, ha!

    Oh - and you aren't wrong. You know there is some Very Bad coming when you go from happy/breezy to sheer misery in a matter of no time at all.

    p.s. Happy birthday Calvin!

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  6. i'm glad i knew what was up, otherwise i would've started reading Indiana obituaries. the good news is that you surely DID make lots more room for crack bark. i told ya so! loves you!!!

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  7. Oh, Shannon. That sounds awful! I'm so glad you're beginning to feel better again. Saying a prayer for you and hoping you find your ten pounds. If not, I'll give 10 or maybe 15 (if you want them) of my own. ;-)
    ~FringeGirl

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  8. YIKES!
    at least your feet look good. Man on man, what a week. I hope you don't have another one like it.

    Probiotics and mexican food? Yes.

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  9. Oh, my. Wish I could give you 10 of my lbs. Glad you're getting better, Girl!

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  10. I was wondering where you were. I was hoping you were on a fun trip somewhere and that you'd come back and tell us about it. So sorry to hear that you've been so sick instead. Welcome back...hope you continue to feel better!

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  11. Wish iwas there I'd bring over some vanilla milkshakes and fatten you up in no time.

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  12. Bless your heart, glad you're better! Your Mom must be wonderful! :)

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  13. Glad that you're starting to feel better--that sounds AWFUL!!! Hope that you have a wonderfully different week this week! :)

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  14. Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor. Missed you! Nice to have you back. Why am I not at all surprised your mom works at a nursing home. I worked at one for 7 plus years. Love ya lots & I couldn't make that up! ;)

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  15. Well, that Mexican food oughtta clinch it. Let me know how THAT works out for ya. LOL But, most of all... feel better!!! ~Sally

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  16. Oh my goodness! You have my deepest sympathies. Really you do, just ignore the hysterical laughter and tears streaming down my face. I loved the line about your children "remembering with decreasing clarity" you standing upright and cooking their meals. You know you have a good sense of humor when you can relay such a pitiful tale, and yet make your readers laugh out loud. :) Glad you're feeling better! I'd been wondering where you were.

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  17. Yikes! I think I'm feeling an "empathy" flu coming on!!! Guess I'll go straight to Mexican food! Welcome back, soooo glad you're better.

    deb <3

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  18. oh, glory. soooo sorry for the horribleness.
    glad you've made it back to the land of the living.
    i was beginning to worry!
    eat and feel well this week!
    xo

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  19. Dearest Friend, I must of sensed something today. Mr.~G~ and me ate at Fiesta Tapitia around 3pm, just 2 blocks west of Mazatlan. We're gusty like that... Missed u
    ~G~xo

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  20. Sorry to hear you've been so sick. May you feel much better with each passing day.

    Love and hugs to you and yours ~ FlowerLady

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  21. Aw Shanna, I really hope you are the other side of this thing!! I had the flu once, and truly wished for death at the time. In fact, I had my obit all ready to go. And then to get the GI bug- you poor thing! So glad your mom could help out. Just start eating "gently"- what I call the white diet- rice, pottoes, noodles, toast, and rest up. I had the bug two weeks ago, and I think it was a good week before the queasiness left. HUGS

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  22. My husband and I had that same stomach virus the day after Christmas...started simultaneously at the restaurant where we were about to eat with my parents, sister, bro-in-law and of course, our kids. And continued back at my parents' house for hours and into the next day. Let's just say that the rest of the family heaved a sigh of relief when our van left their driveway (my daughter driving as we were incapable)! So I can't imagine that happening after 3 days of flu. Yikes! Looking forward to your being back to 100%

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  23. As my Momma woulda said, bless your pea-picken heart. I'm happy that you are surrounded by such loving, helpful people. I hope you are back to 100% very soon and ready to make up for the missing days.

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  24. Wow, that sounds terrible! I'm so sorry. Glad to hear things seem to be looking up though! Wish I lived closer so I could help out... Although I'm sure your mama did a right fine job! I will keep ya in my prayers just to be safe...the only thing worse than two illnesses right on top of each other would be THREE illnesses, yikes!

    XOXO,
    Angie from Ohio

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  25. Love you girl! That all sounds so horrible, I'm glad you are on the mend. I missed you (checked the blog daily, of course).

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  26. How can you take the most pitiful story and make me laugh? Oh girl, I just knew you weren't well. So sorry for all your suffering. The banana bread is all ready for you--and not that yucky healthy recipe because we need to fatten you up! :)

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  27. Oh dear. I'm assuming the nightmare about Rush was the lowest point for you? So glad you're on the mend, Farmgirl!
    I missed you!

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  28. Glad you are on the mend! I did kinda wonder what had happened to you, not seeing any posts for a few days. But with all that suffering you still manage to find the funny in it. thanks once again for sharing :)

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  29. There can't possibly be anything left of you if you have lost 10 lbs. Sure hope by now you are feeling better. I have missed reading your blogs.

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  30. So glad you are back in the land of the living and that you fended off Rush!

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  31. Had a feeling someone was deathly sick! Glad you are feeling back to normal. Thought it was funny that I painted my toes green for the first time last week. But I think mine look more like ogre toes!
    Becky M. in Muncie :)

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  32. The goosebumps were funny. Not the viruses. I first had streph and that took 2 weeks.....then for one week I started to feel like I had energy......then my husband got the Norwalk virus and ended up in the ER.......then after a knot in my belly for a week I got the virus. I am hoping to be at the end of it......this STINKS. We haven't had a week-end due to one of us being sick for 2 months.......BUT we can take care of each other and not have to worry about children. So sorry.....you sound like you got hit with it bad. There will be other birthdays. Just get better.
    (My son had a horrible bike accident before his 10th bd. Head injury, traumatized mother. I finally had a party at Taco Bell for him three weeks later. Two friends brought their kids sothere would be people there. I forgot the cake.....yes, I did. One of the dear friends went and got one.....oh I dressed as a clown - amd I am one.......for the Taco Bell party)
    By the way.....have you tried the new Dorito Tacos from Taco Bell. Mr. Cozy and I can't wait til our bellies are healed to try them.

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  33. if anyone has an excuse to not blog, this is it! :-)

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  34. Hooray for Shannon- thanks for coming back to us! I'm so glad you are feeling better- one year both my kids had the chicken pox and my friends felt so sorry for me they baked a cake and left the cake and all the trimmings on the porch, rang the doorbell and ran away! At the time only sorta funny, now it is one of our favorite memories!

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  35. oy. I'm so glad you're feeling better. And also I must have an update on #thegaff and also I'm glad you're feeling better!

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  36. Welcome Back, Kotter!

    Yikes and Yikes again!

    I've had a few times in my life with double sicknesses and it's incredibly scary. Once I lived in Sedona (in the 90's, with my best friend and at the time..New Age Capital of the USA) and my friend was so worried that she was about to bring a local "healer" to our home. I thought I was dying. It definitely puts everything into sharp focus.

    At least you woke up with green toenails! I'm assuming that was Miss Ruby? Or was it one of the boys? Either way..good people!

    I've had some sort of throat/cough issue & today just decided to nap, stay in my "pojammies" and close my eyes when they become tired.

    I LOL at your Limbaugh dream and this:

    " I'm on a steady diet of probiotics and Mexican food, so I should be back to 100% in no time."

    Good Lawd, you're funny!

    The mexican food part scares me...but you know yourself better than anyone.

    Glad you're alive & back!

    xoxo~

    TT

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  37. Darn sickness. And bedsores. So happy you're back!

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  38. So you succumb to the vomits once & that makes you more vulnerable?? Yikes, that is not info. I wanted to hear. I ended my 10 year streak just a few weeks ago with the dreaded noravirus. I was hoping I could go another decade without my head in a toilet bowl. I realize I'm making this all about me - I am so very sorry for your brush with death. I say that in all seriousness. I'm especially sorry about the birthday. And I hope you get your tastebuds back because mine have not been the same since my bout with the bug. Doesn't it feel weird to just lose a week in time? That always plays tricks with my mind.

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  39. Yes! All stomachs are boys. I even gave mine a name when I was in school. So very sorry you were sick. It's good to have you back!

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  40. oh my goodness girl.
    that's not funny
    but
    it is so funny to hear you re-tell your flirtation with death!
    oh my word
    surely those GREEN toes will cause you to rise up woman!

    hope youre all back to 100% FPFG-goodness
    xoxoxo

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  41. oh my goodness..those green toes are my favorite ever.
    is there a prettier picture out there?
    I THINK NOT.

    seeing your white feet next to her dark feet is a beautiful sight.

    so glad you feel better.....

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  42. i went back and looked at her feet.
    they are perfect.

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