Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Clear Eyes

Today the gift I've been given is an hour, one whole hour for myself, with some extra minutes besides. So here I sit, fresh from an appointment at the optometrist, still wearing my vest, scarf, and yellow rain boots.

The bad news is, I didn't need glasses. (Cory was hoping... He has a bit of  a Tina Fey thing, okay? I'm sure he crushed on Lisa Loeb back in the day, too. I'll ask... Did you, Honey?)

The good news? I didn't need glasses.

It was my first visit with this doctor and what I really wanted to do was spend the rest of the day with her. Homegirl was drier than my hands in January. She walked in, took one look at my rain boots and said, "Wow. Your boots are LOUD. You probably stop traffic in those." I'll be honest, she seemed almost annoyed. They troubled her.

She grew more annoyed when she realized that my vision was "quite good". "You're one of those people", she said. I asked her, "Is my right eye still good? Because I've been feeling like it's not as good..." to which she replied, "It's very slightly not as good as your left eye, which is perfect. So maybe it's psychological. Or maybe you're just ultra sensitive after seeing everything so perfectly clear for your entire life."

Lord, I loved her. True story.

Now I sit here by the window and the house is mostly dark. A train screams down the tracks. Thunder rumbles outside and rain snakes the pane. This is one messed up January.

The day after our visit with Robert we got an automated email saying he had been transported to prison. I'd spent the morning smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. This was my status update on facebook: Yesterday's awesomeness keeps bleeding unexpectedly into today. Love it when that happens!

Within 30 minutes we got the news.

I won't bore you with a detailed account of everything we felt at that moment and in all the moments to follow, but I'll say this, you can know something is imminent but it doesn't lessen the sting when it happens. I felt sucker-punched for days. I cried almost every time I was in my car. He's far away and I feel it. We didn't get to say goodbye. We won't see him for at least a month. We won't even talk to him. 

I worry about my boy. Yes, he tattooed FEARLESS down the entire length of his forearm, but you and I both know better. We grieved. Calvin and Ruby grieved. And all I can do is guess about how Robert is handling it.

So right here is a new step of faith. Our toes inch ever-forward and we cling to the things we know for sure. We will them to never leave our minds, and especially his.

Amid this hurt, I look back to that night in the windowless room and I sit in wonder over the ways God loves us. His timing could not have been improved. He knew the whole future and made sure Robert went away wearing the fresh hug of our love for him.

He's somewhere temporary right now, but we'll keep waiting for the news and then we'll settle in to a new routine.

After my eye appointment the receptionist gave me a little card with my next appointment - February 2015. My instant thought was, The next time I'm here, this will all be over. He'll be home.

Happy rainy Tuesday, friends. Hope your day feels scrubbed with the knowing that all you are is completely loved.



35 comments:

  1. thinking of you today, Shannan. Your love for this boy has spilled over...even I love him and I've never met him. Will be praying for him--and you--today.

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  2. You are the most clear eyed lovable person I know.
    xo

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  3. I found your blog just a few days ago from a link on Emily's blog. Love the way you write and share and having me laughing so hard I cry. And thanks for the reminder that all I am is completely loved. Now I need to go live like I believe that's true. :)

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  4. and i agree with thee above.
    (really wanted to say eye agree with thee above. but couldn't bring myself to do it. haha)

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  5. meant deb & courtney since the other comment wasn't there when i started typing & i was lucky enough to meet you back in early 2011.

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  6. Clear eyes
    Full hearts
    Can't lose

    Praying for your boy and for you too.

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  7. Course you don't need glasses...you've been praying to see the world through his eyes.

    OK - worst. joke. ever.
    ;)

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  8. I always wonder why that is- why we can't fully prepare ourselves for terrible news, even when we know it's coming. It's like when my parents fought for years and I still found myself crying my eyes out on my front porch the day my dad moved out.
    I'm totally tracking with you at feeling the comfort of a far-off date and thinking that things will be over by then. We're entering year 3 of our adoption process, so I've almost constantly got "when will it be over?" on the brain :)

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  9. Completely loved. Thanks for giving me permission to embrace the obvious truth that I forget every single day. How can one already feel like a failure when it's only 12:30?

    Hugs to you and to yours, wherever they are right now.

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  10. I am feelin' the love pouring out of you today!
    xoxo
    h.patt. :)

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  11. Shannan, you always make my day better....sometimes by making me think harder and sometimes by making my eyes sweat and sometimes by bringing joy overwhelming. Thanks.

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  12. Amen and Amen. Those two years will pass. Thank you, Shannan for another soulful message.

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  13. Praying for His grace and perfect peace to cover you and your family, and rejoicing with you for the gift of those precious hours with your son!!

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  14. Thank you so much for your posts. Every time I read them it is exactly what I need to hear. Sometimes I think you have a little window into my soul because you feel the same things that I feel. It is good to have validation that your feelings aren't crazy!

    I am praying for Robert and for your grieving family. There is nothing to hard for our God!

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  15. I love your blog. I feel like if we ever met in real life, we would be fast friends. Weird, but true. I love your new eye doc. Reminds me of my grandmother in law. I was warned when I met her about her tendency to give inappropriate comments (like the time she told my SIL who was struggling with infertility that she looked pregnant. Talk about a double whammy). So imagine my joy when she told me that when she first met me she thought I was not good enough for her grandson, but now that everything about me had COMPLETELY CHANGED, she thought we would do ok. I started laughing to her face and she assured me that she was giving me a complement. I know she was, bless her heart. Love it.

    In other news, I think you're right about about God's timing. I'm learning something about that myself, as we're struggling through our 4th adoption. I wish us both lots of good news over the next year.

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  16. I'm heart bleeds with yours and the rest of the fam... Thinking of you and my bro Robert in an extra special way! xx

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  17. Can we write to Robert to encourage him? Can you share his address? Cant imagine what it feels like to go there, but would love him to know that we're with him because we love him.
    e.

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    1. Once we know where he is I can totally get it to you! Much love to you and yours, E.

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  18. I could spend the whole day with YOU. The heart God made in you, it radiates Him in such a profound way. I literally See clearer with your words. Truth.

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  19. Prayers and hugs today and each day forward. God is so big and wonderful- He will bring you through this time of waiting.

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  20. Praying for you all and for Robert.

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  21. Prayers for Robert and you and your family!

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  22. So incredibly touched by the grace God has filled you with and how His love radiates out and encompasses those around you. Each word chosen so eloquently, not by the one who sits at the computer but by the Spirit which flows through your beautiful hands given over for His glory. I love reading this blog, your honesty, and about your precious family. You are right... we are all loved. And deeply blessed by you. Thanks for sharing.

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  23. I have bright blue rain boots. once in our life group we were talking about the more charismatic churches, you know, where a lady plays a tambourine to the tune of the holy spirit?
    our life group leader, who looks like Al Pacino, turned to me and announced, 'Those boots are the tambourine of our life group."
    I was proud.
    In other news, I'm praying for you, and him.

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    1. Okay, I totally love this comment. Goodnight.

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  24. Oh Child. I'm sorry. I can't even imagine. I'm sitting here now on my davenport, the thunder rattling these old windows, and I'm thinking about Robert, and you - we have to believe that it's all happening perfectly, even when it surely doesn't seem like it. Come forthwith - I'll salt the tea. xo

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  25. in awe of God's perfect timing, yet feeling the sting of reality for you guys.
    amazed to watch this beautiful story unfold, even through the raw parts.
    xoxo

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  26. The first thing I thought when I read that you got the message that Robert had been moved is--what a sweet gift the Lord gave all of you for his birthday. He knows all and loves completely through it all. It is so comforting, isn't it?

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  27. honored that you are allowing us to watch his story unfold....praying for him and for you guys.
    so grateful you got to see him on his birthday.

    what will seeing him look like now? how far away is he?
    a hundred thoughts swirling around in my head...God knows all the details...clinging to the promise that God has him in the palm of his hand.

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  28. Sweet Jesus - I remember those days of visiting my nephew in prisons throughout IL for 7 years. Small hearted guards excersizing what little power they possessed, over visitors and inmates alike, to prove they were the ones with the keys.
    Praying for you, that you stay strong in the knowledge that God is with you - and your boy - as you wait impatiently for the next visit.

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  29. oh, that precious kid. praying.

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